by Allen

Ah, the perennial sage advice of well-intentioned friends, sisters, and mothers: “Just be yourself!” To them, it seems so wise — to you, it seems so ridiculous.  You find yourself saying, “Myself hasn’t had a good first date in months.  How about I be Brad Pitt’s self?  That sounds like a much better idea!”

And while there is an undeniable benefit to being Brad Pitt, unfortunately no matter how hard you try, you cannot be Brad Pitt.  (Unless you, Brad, are reading this… in which case, I retract my previous statement. You can be Brad Pitt. And thanks for reading this…I’m honored.)

So you are left with the only option: being yourself.  And, we all know how well that has worked. So: sage advice thrown out the window.

But hold on a second before sulking away indignantly at seemingly wasted advice.  There is something to this concept that you cannot see, and that your well-intentioned friends, sisters, and mothers certainly do see.  What they are saying to you when they say, “be yourself” is really this: “be the version of yourself that you are with me”.  And this is a very important distinction.

When you think of who you are, you think of a unified person who encompasses all of who you are in all possible circumstances.  When someone else thinks of who you are, they think of the facets of you they have seen in their interactions with you.   So, the “you” they know is the “you” that you are when you are around them. (Try saying that three times fast…)

The issue is that, often, this you is distinctly different than the you who goes out on dates.

When we go on a date, or when we try to meet new people, we have a tendency to act differently than we would normally act with our friends or family.  This is because we are trying to communicate something — “who we are” –  to our potential mates.  We try to show how great we are.  We tell amusing anecdotes that strategically communicate all of our positive attributes.  We make jokes to show how funny we are.  We talk about restaurants that we have gone to in the distant past to show our refined palates and adventurous nature.  We casually mention our trips to far-off locales to show how cultured and well-traveled we are.  In short, we try to show off all of things that we believe will attract a mate.  Like peacocks, we strut our proverbial (or literal…) stuff in a concerted (albeit amusing from an outside perspective) attempt to show someone who we really are.

But the most ironic part of this whole song and dance is that in our collective attempt to show someone who we really are, we are therefore not ourselves.

Think about it: do you really need to tell your friends about the time you volunteered at the soup kitchen so that they will believe that you are a giving person?  Do you regale them with the time you zip-lined through the rainforest in Panama so that they will get that you are adventurous?  Do you buy them things to that they will know you have money to spare?  Do you go out of your way to place them on a pedestal so that they will know how special they are to you?

No, of course not.  They know you are generous and adventurous because they have seen you act generously and adventurously.  They know that they are special to you because you continue to interact with them.  And…most importantly…

…they did not need to see you do these things before they decided to befriend you.

They became friends with you because they had a good time when they were around you. And, over the course of their interactions with you, they saw and learned things about you as a result of who you are when you are with them.

When we make friends, we are in a situation where there is no pressure to succeed, no fear-inducing possibility of failure.  You interact with people around you without attachment, without fear… and as a result, they accordingly develop an opinion of who you are and decide to be friends with you .  It is in this pure interaction, without attachment to an end result, that we are our best selves; that each of us is a person easily liked and loved.  And it is this person that your mother, your sister, your brother, and your friends want you to be when they tell you to “just be yourself.”

So — the next time you’re out on a first date, or talking to a new romantic connection, drop your attachment to the outcome.  Drop your fear of rejection.  Drop your expectations, and open yourself to a real and honest conversation where you will communicate immeasurably more clearly who you are… without you ever having to mention your favorite Parisian bistro.

So remember,  just be yourself.  And please, don’t smack me in the head.

All my love,
Allen